creationism

In order to form a more perfect understanding of the current trials and tribulations with respect to the life that we live, a brief prelude is required. On September 25th 2004, Taylor obliged to accept a formal invitation to join Katie for a diner date. As archived police reports illustrate, Katie had stalked Taylor since they first met in the year 2000. She went as far as following in Taylor's footsteps to receive her undergraduate degree at Texas State University.

After years of deferring physical advances from the young Katie, Taylor realized that she was "the one" and gave her a shot at love. Their first date marked not only the beginning of a beautiful relationship, but also the first time Taylor wore jeans and deodorant (which was in aerosol form). Over the next couple of months the young love birds quickly moved in together. Surly their parents believed that perhaps Katie accidentally bore an unborn superhuman child in her uterus, thus forcing the young stallion Taylor to settle down and live a domesticated life, however the truth was much darker. It turns out that Katie simply wanted to start a new life off campus. She hated her roommate's meek christian boyfriend (Kevin) as well as the frozen food served in the campus trough (Commons). In a defying move, Katie successfully broke free from the bondage imposed on her and was granted off campus living privilege.

Katie and Taylor pictured 2 months into their relationship shortly after voting for George Bush's 2nd presidential bid at Northcross Mall.

The couple settled in a quaint nest known as The Tree House. It was here in which Taylor learned that chicken needed to be cleaned before cooking and that bacteria grows on milk jugs without lids, even in the refrigerator. Katie quickly learned how to hardcore/ angry dance, and could accurately identify which metal songs were angry and which were happy.

The carpet had to be replaced in their first apartment from daily mosh pits and hardcore dance offs

They soon began taking spin classes to get stronger for hardcore dance offs, which lead Katie to purchase a cheap Trek road bike with midget wheels. Taylor was so jealous; his lack of cash forced him to ride around on Katie's old Trek mountain bike (he had to draft to keep up with her speed). The two loved to gather at the Veloway to compete in 45 minute vomit enduing races. To no surprise, the couple never failed to out sprint all contenders on the 3 mile course. Legend stands that the couple were so fast that dozens of old fat recreational cyclists sold their bikes and quit the sport after being out paced. Feeling weak on the mountain bike, Taylor put the largest debt on his credit card to date to purchase a road bike: the infamous Bianchi. On a whim they decided to join the Texas State Triathlon team, but never actually participated in any races, or practiced for that matter.

One day when speeding down "the hill" to get onto campus (on the wrong side of the road= amateur hour), Katie was hit by a car. It was then that insurance fraud was necessary in order to buy the dream "Pink" that was such a perfect fit with Taylor's celeste bike. After convincing Katie to invest her newly acquired life savings into Enron stock shares, the couple lost everything due to a corporate scandal that shocked the globe. At that time Katie and Taylor were forced to steal soy milk from the grocery store in order to maintain their diets consisting of 90% cereals. It was then that Father Forrest had a vision for his seed: a future cycling champion. He invested into his daughter's eternal passion for recreational riding consisting of semi hard 30 milers.

Back in pink and bianchi's glory days when the chain was always lubed and the polar water bottles mold free

It was around this time Taylor had a vision himself (however his was induced by recent and abrupt changes in his diet), he would join the Texas State Men's C collegiate race team and be mediocre. Kate acting as Taylor's "mini" followed. While the first year of competitive cycling was mostly dorky and anti-climatic for Taylor, he had established himself as a time trial specialist by placing 3rd place at the SFA Lumberjack Classic Stage Race. Seasonal highlights for Katie consisted of consecutive victorious self proclaimed "cutest looking" cyclist awards and dropping Taylor on training rides over 25 miles. In retrospect, Katie's accomplishment on "cutest looking" were won as she donned a road cycling helmet with a visor. This is an incredible feat that may never be duplicated.

Taylor pictured shortly before his first bike race ever unintentionally sporting a dorky looking jersey without sleeves. In fact race officials nearly disqualified Taylor citing USCF rules on mandatory jersey sleeves. Luckily the officials realized that it was punishment enough to race looking so uncool, and let Taylor slide.

Many other monumental events happened between 2004-2006 that were unrelated to cycling. First, Taylor completed his undergraduate degree in Exercise Sports Science and after completing numerous resume boosting non-paying internships was accepted into the Texas State Physical Therapy Program. It was around this time that Taylor was introduced to Pierre Kroon, a Manual Physio-therapist from the Netherlands. Using his patented "mind bomb" approach, Kroon challenged Taylor to study hard towards becoming a top tier manual therapist. It was also around this time that Taylor and Katie decided that sleeping in a tent and eating diets of peanut butter, peanut butter nuggets, and bananas was superior to the amenities of modern life. The sultry couple routinely took camping trips throughout Texas. Camping typically consisted of nature hikes in which the couple would "hike" the most difficult trails as fast as they could and take pleasure from "popping" elder and less shapely hikers off the back. The nights were filled mostly with false bear attacks in which Taylor would grab his trusty negotiating knife and wake Katie while whispering "don't move, a bear is at our campsite". Katie took these multiple episodes per night events as Boy Who Cried Wolf fiction and learned to sleep through Taylor's certain death wake up calls. The couple also became increasingly interested in birds of prey, ecology, geography, and international cuisine.

Rare images that the couple collected at Lost Maples State Park show what is believed to be a primitive cave dwelling "human/monkey hybrid species".

No matter what the lovers did to distract themselves from the bicycle, fate would have it that victory was in store for next season. Katie mostly dominated the collegiate cycling scene and would often need to put in extra miles after races in order to feel like she exercised. Katie quickly rose to receive 2nd place in Conference while racing at The University of Texas. Her collegiate highlights consisted of beating Natile Klemko (US Crit National Champion U23) at Tunis Roubaix IX and the conference championship road race in Wichita Falls, TX. Katie had the engine of diesel Ford 350 HD pick-up, however below average bike handling skills caused multiple crashes each season. She was diagnosed with a developmental learning disorder in which her muscles developed more rapidly than her brain, thus causing her to crash frequently. She was successfully treated with advanced electroshock therapy and copious injections of estrogen. Taylor quickly drank from the chalice of victory himself and after finally agreeing to allow Katie to shave his legs, won his very first road race and crit. The couple was now less dorky and somewhat false-climatic.

Notice Katie's left foot... yes that is a medical boot... yes she won with a subluxed cuboid bone which was misdiagnosed as "tendinitis". The girl who placed 3rd claimed that she was unable to step onto the podium because Katie paralyzed her legs during the race

The hotties quickly became disenchanted with the male privileged and hegemonic cycling community. They lived two separate lives that rarely intermixed. Socially Katie and Taylor declined to hang out with other cyclists because of a nasty phenomenon in the racing community in which all cyclists become egocentric self absorbed competitive wieners. This left the collegiate champions isolated and questionable about the cycling community. However, a close and small alliance formed with other like minded individuals and training resumed. The early days of "training" were opportunities to discuss political topics such as feminism, globalization, and ecology. Many of these talks became so controversial that the pack of friends nearly shed each others blood with rage. Agreements to discuss only American Idol gossip on bike rides became necessary to preserve their friendships. The early training partners were the infamous controversial and disagreeable triathlete Ryan, a hardened native of Louisiana and Aaron, a young lover boy who now serves in the United States Navy.

Eventually the couple shredded San Marcos to pieces, and after graduating from PT school Taylor and Katie returned home to Austin. Katie, now a graduate student at the prestigious University of Texas solely refers to her education as "a higher degree of learning" and decided it would be best suited if the humping couple lived in a 200 square foot triplex on West Campus. That marked the lowest point in the couples tumultuous relationship. The couple soon made enemies with their new neighbors. As a matter of fact, in the first 5 minutes of speech with the fat apathetic hippies next door, Taylor was called a pervert because he politely asked the man if he desired to "spank him". This is truth. It is documented and now property of Fox Entertainment as it was broadcasted on the popular television show COPS. After a few selective curse words had been exchanged, Katie decided to get in her car and ram the neighbors piece of shit trash mobile. Simultaneously, Taylor cut deep into the flesh of the property's prized Great Oak Tree with a rusty saw hoping to infect the giant with the Oak Wilt infection that would eventually cause the behemoth to blow over in a wind storm and land on the hideous neighbors, causing death. The couple had to leave West Campus fast.

The first and last day of manual labor. Actual photo taken 5 minutes before the cops were called in response to a domestic disturbance on West Campus.

This marks the location of the sinning couples current house of residence. Thankfully Taylor's mother manages over 98% of the historic property in Clarksville and placed the couple into a quaint home behind a church where members oddly gather every Sunday morning to worship an invisible creator. After trying endlessly to coerce the lovers to joining their rattle snake charming cult religion, the angry pastor cast a plague of fleas in the new home. One of these fleas was injected with an unclassified virus and trained to attack young Katie. Shortly after the use of animal tested pesticides, the couple killed the flea coupe, however Katie became sick. Over 8 months passed where Katie complained of horrific right knee pain. She had experimental surgery, was treated by Taylor's idol (Kroon), and saw every specialist in Austin, TX. Katie's condition baffled the Western Medical Paradigm and eventually frustrated her doctors to the point at which she was labeled "a symptom magnifyer". Katie was unable to ride her bike for months and missed the entire off season training regimen set up by Taylor. Katie was at the point of considering knee amputation and having her femur fused to her tibia until a shot in the dark visit to a Chinese Acupuncturist known as Goji Gong. Dr. Gong in collaboration with purly random needle placement accidentally cured Katie in 2 treatments. If the couple would have considered Taylor's mothers actupunture phrophecy 7 months earlier, perhaps Katie would now be a professional cyclist.

Perhaps the churches sacrificial rattle snake services blessed both the soil and the bedroom at the incredibly fertile Clarskville house. In the garden, Taylor began experimenting with the hybridization of potent Chinese herbs in hopes of designing a novel organic alternative to EPO. Through controversial and unethical trial and error animal testing using Katie's cat (Meow Patow), the frequently sweating couple learned a deep secret. GLUTEN CONTAMINATION was not science fiction! You see, proteins found in wheat products contain a substance known as gluten. In certain people this protein adheres to the gastrointestinal tract thus blocking the absorption of other macro nutrients as well as essential vitamins and minerals. This explained the years of rancid farts that Taylor served as scapegoat. The revolution quickly led to the elimination of gluten from the omnivores diets. The steamy couple were shocked to learn that poop is normally in a solid state as it exits the body. The necessity for toilet paper was eliminated completely. This is now referred to as invisible poop. Ultimately, the lovers muscles grew to unimaginable girth and this directly translated to winning every single off season training ride Taylor rode alone.

Taylor doing power cleans with a 20,000 pound boulder during off season

This marks the time in which the couple miraculously conceived Taylor's new bike. Always a critic of the Trek bike company's inability to create a sexual looking ride, Taylor shocked even himself with the purchase of a 2009 Madone 6.9 loaded with SRAM Red. Even before Taylor had the opportunity to ride it, Lance politely asked to borrow it in order to showcase the victory machine during the annual Ride For The Roses. Taylor politely declined resulting in Lance crying and inviting the couple over to his mansion for for a catered evening dinner. A contract was signed in which the bike would be showcased only under the condition that Lance would drain his pool twice a day as well as keep every faucet in his house running constantly for a month. Both parties withheld their ends of the bargain. Unfortunately for Lance, the muckraking reporters of the Austin American Statesman decided to run a story exposing his disregard for water conservation, permanently tainting his name among Austin's Save Our Springs Alliance.

Now to the present. After a season marked by two distinct periods (pre/post Mammoth), Taylor successfully exploded the legs off of his Cat IV competitors. The season climaxed with stunning 2nd place finishes at the Fort Davis Hammerfest hill climb and road race. This along with the 97th Belterra Classico is regarded as the most prestigious of all races on the yearly Texas race calendar. The romantic Hammerfest experience was also marked by the first time Taylor donned the handsome kit of the arctic rainbow as he formally signed a $400,000 wampum contact to race on the Victorious Wooly Mammoth elite Cat III squad. In retrospect, Taylor attributes all of his cycling success not to hard work or dedication, but to the growth of a most beautiful mustache which strikes fear into the hearts of man. The magical mustache also brought an entire new level of intimacy and physical attraction between Katie and Taylor. Katie now enjoys combing the stash each night to help Taylor relax and induce the most deepest stages of REM sleep.

Taylor pictured here taking a quick break from the hill climb at fort davis to capture a happy moment with his lover, Katie. Taylor then mounted his bike and finished 2nd

A glimpse of the future... after inspiration from the couples best friend (The Syd), we decided to enter Ironman Wisconsin. The Syd is a world class Ironman athlete who is equally, if not perhaps weirder than both Taylor and Katie combined. She is perhaps the most allergic of the group to the Gluten protein and has remained Gluten Edge even with the temptation of Home Slice Pizza. After adopting a Gluten free lifestyle, Sydney not only set a PR at this years Austin Marathon, but also began producing incredible pheromones that have attracted a most worthy male suitor (Velossimo Racing's rising star, Cat IV cyclist Chad). Sydney is currently in a most scandalous love triangle consisting of herself, Chad, and Kerri (her well endowed thoroughbred mini king charles cavalier). Without any triathlon experience the couple was under the wrong impression about the definition of an Ironman event. It was believed that an Ironman was an academic decathlon navigating the various atomic masses in the period table of elements (such as Iron). Taylor was devastated to learn that he payed over $500 dollars to swim 2.4 miles, bike 112, and run 26.2 miles this coming September. Katie however took the news with utmost enthusiasm and has been training much better than her male partner. Katie currently swims, runs, and bikes on her new Cervelo P2C TT bike weekly. Taylor has decided to do triceps dips at their gym while visualizing open water swimming. Needless to say, Katie is currently much faster in the water as well as running. Her legs are currently metamorphosing from 8 months of "tube" form into "pipe" classification. She gets her feelings hurts with the "tube" comments, yet is pleased to hear that she now has Stage II "pipes".

We invite you, our most beloved fans to join us through the best of times and worst of times as we conquer new frontiers never imaginable or understood by our grandparents. We will grant you with an intimate view of our daily lives consisting of shopping, fish frogging, purring, feasting, and winning every single time we ride our bikes. Happy trails....



Taylor & Katie & Meow Pataw & Mocka Friends