Colorado whey

The most epic bicycle riding in America, part I.

When we asked our friendly park ranger where would be a good area inside the Rocky Mountain National Park to ride our bikes she turned the question right back at us, "well how serious of cyclists are you two lovers?" Taylor quickly displayed his sensual flexed shaved legs and serious tan lines and responded "Does this answer your childish question?" The ranger apologetically responded "Are you looking for a highly traditional ride or an ultra romantic route?" Katie, a licensed Junior Park Ranger replied "ultra traditional. "Old Fall River Road would be a good starting point, but I must warn you the road has been shut down for 6 months due to winter snow. Who knows what the conditions of that gravel road will be, if you make it to the top please let me know so that we can start preparing to open the road to summertime vehicles". The seed was planted. We were destined to ride Old Fall River Road and explore paths not crossed by human skinny tires for months, for all the components of an epic ride were present. Potential danger, mystery, and tradition all inspired us to be ambassadors of the unknown frontier.


As we left our campsite Katie quickly took the lead for she was anxious to leave the smooth and predictable surface of paved park road. The mountains that lay ahead of her mark the couples destination, Fall River Pass Ranger Station (elevation 11,796 feet) .

Taylor pictured 3 miles into the ride was sprinting through grooves of Aspen trees. The trees bore no signs of black bear claw marks and therefore were domesticated. Both lovers wanted nothing to do with the scenic material observed by those driving 75' long RVs. The couple longed to venture behind the scenes, VIP access only.


The entry portal to Old Fall River Road. This marks the end of the pavement and the beginning of extreme adventure. Here is some helpful information about the route provided by the National Parks Service. We believe that in order for the ride to be labeled "traditional" it must have history.

The Old Fall River Road was the first road to cross the Rocky Mountains in northern Colorado. Began in 1913, the early construction was carried out by state prison inmates. The sandbagging convicts made little progress and contractors completed the road in 1920. Despite the popularity of the route, the road proved difficult to traverse and maintain. Automobiles had trouble mastering the steep grade and tight curves and avalanches often buried the road forty feet deep.

GRADE: The road climbed on steep grades sometimes reaching 16%. Some early automobiles had to climb in reverse due to their weak engines and gravity-fed fuel system.

Are you aroused yet?


Here the lovers coerced a female elk to break from milking her calf in order snap a shot by one of the rides many waterfall/water hazards. Turns out the water is fresh snow melting and running down the mountain where is will eventually combine with more cold mountain water to produce the Colorado River! Taylor stuck his hand in the water to verify its melting snow origin and concluded that it was approximately 37 degrees.

Quickly abandoning the paradigm of man made laws, Taylor threw his helmet into the river. We were riding in the wild frontier and not exceeding 8 miles per hour as we climbed for ~ 1.5 hours. While sipping on a mocha GU and wearing ultra cool custom sunglasses, Taylor explained that now in the wilderness he would no longer need to amenities of modern day culture, helmets only connect us to the city and the risk of getting hit by a car was non existent. He was now "roughing it".

The first sign of danger. Around 6 miles into the ride a fallen Ponderosa Pine blocked the road. Something fishy was going on and the couple proceeded with caution. Katie utilizing her Junior Ranger training concluded that the tree was placed there by a wild creature to mark its primitive boarder territory. The invasion occurred...


A young and startled Katie pictured here quickly became face to face with a wild beast the likes of none seen in Austin Texas. What could she do to defend herself from the creatures relentless kamikaze style attacks? It was too steep to get onto the bike and go forward for the creature blocked the road and would certainly attack her. Nor could she reverse and ride down hill for the Ponderosa Pine blocked the road. She was left no other option but to stand her ground and duel the creature.


This was no normal beaver that Katie had to soak with Kona Cola flavored Nuun water. It was an assassin trained by the forces of Austin's very own Team AT&T Brain and Spine with the mission to chew off Katie's ankles and build a damn with them. After a 3 minute battle in which Taylor stood behind Katie, the beaver realized that the two lovers were willing to fight to the death and fled into the woods with its huge beaver tail between his little legs.


This photo was taken at the edge of the sub-alpine level of the climb. The already treacherous roads became even worse. Here Katie stealthy practices her cyclo-cross skills and hops over an avalanche caused by two trained Team San Jose black bears in a pathetic attempt to bury the couple in an icy death. The two lovers survived this near certain death in large part to a "false flag" battle strategy adopted by Katie. Because she was keenly wearing her vertical striped San Jose kit for the last time ever, the bears had to radio back to Austin to find out if they were to truly assassinate one of their own. Luckily, this bought the couple enough time to sprint past the falling avalanche and then sip on Strawberry Banana GU once safe.


Once again, Katie dismounts her bike "Pink" in an attempt to pass through really cold snow. Her socks got wet at this particular hazard crossing.


Young Katie smiles to the camera as if posing for a victory podium spot. Unfortunately the couple was forced to abandon the ride due to copious amounts of pure white snow blocking the road. The snow was at least 1000 feet deep and full of corpses of those who tried to pass its mighty boundary. Thanks to Junior Ranger Katie's passion for watching Survival Man she knew that only a real Wooly Mammoth could go any further.

The retreat back down the mountain was more treacherous than the ascent, for both hands had to remain in a death grip with the bicycle breaks in order to avoid falling off the mountain. As a result Katie had an excruciating flare up of carpal tunnel syndrome. With the team doctor waiting at the blockaded base of the mountain, Katie suffered for the entire 1 hour descent.


Back at the campsite the couple prepared for a daily afternoon thunderstorm and ate large amounts of untoasted millet bread smothered with almond butter and honey. Taylor, angered at the anti-climatic false summit cursed Old Fall River Road and swore to defend his honor the following day. The mountain may have won the battle, but the war was far from over...