Beets

Oh how much we love delicious and nutritious beets! Do you remember the first time you ate "fresh" red beets? (not out of a can, for those are only skeletons of the powerful root vegetable). We love them for thousands of reasons. Here are only a few of our favorites.

A beet orgy is a beautiful sight.

First, it is so funny how most amateur beet connoisseurs think they are dying of internal bleeding when they poop out their first batch of beets. According to emergency room protocol, Doctors and staff are trained to ask patients if they consumed beets when they are admitted with reports of "bloody stool". Golden beets are only a 5/10 on the freakout scale because they uneffect the color of the biological fertilizer we call- turd.

Secondly, we love beets because our Native American kin would dye linens and fur with the water used to boil the root. Like Tiki's grandfather, Chief Tiki Tiki Rainbow Heart, we now dye all fabrics with beet extract. Our bedroom sheets, socks, and shoelaces are red, for we find it to be most arousing.

Brave Chief Tiki Tiki Rainbow Heart was a notorious European slayer. His tepee was coated with white man scalps rather than leather.

Lastly, as depicted in numerous ancient Tibetan statues as well as Egyptian hieroglyphics, a diet rich in beets will increase your red blood cell count. Like the wonderful relationship between honey bees and flowers, diuretics and steroids, lunar cycles and werewolves, God additionally granted us with beets and blood doping. You see, if "wrongfully" tested positive for an abnormally high red blood cell count, simply open your refrigerator, your toilet lid, or your bedroom door and show your accuser that you love beets.

Katiki celebrates her official acceptance to the University of North Texas PhD Sports Psychology.