The Cronometro TT Race Reporto

2 Saturday's ago members of the elite Wooly Mammoth skin suit research and development team congregated to compete in a highly skilled and hilly 20 K time trial. The fields were stacked with some of the fastest and less handsome riders from around central Texas. It turns out that team sponsor Romancer promoted the event under the name of The Cronometro, and offered $100,000 to any rider who could post faster speeds than your mammoth heros. This set the stage for a classic rivalry similar to the folk legend Rocky Balboa versus the Russian Ivan Drago. In this modern version, all other competitors assumed the role of the Russian, while the Mammoths embraced the American flag waiving Rocky.

Unfortunately I finished with a 26.2 mph average and placed 12th out of 150+ racers, resulting in a $1,100,00 loss by Romancer. Since then, Romancer stock has fallen by 200% and there is talk of bankruptcy- which will never happen due to Romancer's blossoming niche in the beach sports world. I was quoted as remarking, "although these new skin suits are incredibly attractive, Romancer should not have counted on stunning good looks to thwart such talented competition as Stefan Rothe, Dave Wenger, and Alexandre Vinokurov- that was just stupid". (Had there been a Cat3 category offering, Tiki would have placed 1st!! Additionally, he beat the TT times of hundreds of P12 riders, the tandem category and all juniors. He keeps this a secret (and so will you).

On the women's end of the Romancer challenge, both Katiki Forrest and Micky 'oNair dominated in typical fashion. After coming off a 800 mile training week, Katiki finished 4th overall and 2nd in her age division. Micky, doped out of her mind, rehabilitating from a recent bladder infection finished right behind Katiki with a stunning 3rd! This was Micky's debut race aboard her super pro TT bike that has left all men and women who lay eyes on the machine highly aroused. Truly a break through performance that will foreshadow domination in the upcoming spring stage race calender.

Team motivational speaker, Jessica "the hammer" Russell was present and assumed role of key note speaker. She helped all mammoth warriors prepare for the "race against the clock" by fabricating motivational stories in which "time" was always talking shit about TWM's aero skills. This fueled team members to not only execute perfecto performances, but also to smash all clocks and watches within reach.