Clarksville Lakota Sioux Nation

Griz and his organic makeup

2010-04-19T19:21:00.001-07:00

To the guy that loves to insult me by using words like 'gay' and 'fag,' I am pretty sure you are putting on "sunscreen" in the form of a makeup brush. "But its organic..." That now makes two of us that put makeup on before races.

Fort Davis

2010-04-19T06:05:00.000-07:00

On our way out of town we stopped by Target to meet Griz for our caravan. His bagging shift is conviently over at 9:00am.

This years Fort Davis was perhaps the most memorable of all time. However not for personal accomplishments, for my own results were not exactly what I had doped for. My memories were instead shaped by watching handsome teammates thrive in the former Apache Indian Territory. The strength, focus, and perseverance depicted in Fort Davis proved to me that everyone on TWM is basically a grand champion and master lover of the universe.

The weekend started with a surprise motivational speaker (Mark "White Eagle" - Shosone Shaman) visiting the team camp and lecturing his warriors on principles of unity, power, and chem-trails. Turns out that "White Eagle" blessed the team and granted each of us special powers. Some received spirit eagles to rest on the crown of their head, others received tigers for leg strength. Juan Benedicto was granted a personal dragon to accompany him on his multiple trail runs over the weekend. The womens squad made out with a bunch of Indian warrior spirits after "White Eagle" called on his ancestors to kiss their cheeks... 25% lucky... 75% jealous. Griz and I purchased magic oil from our shaman. This tincture smells great and according to "White Eagle" all we need to do is put some over our hearts and buy a lottery ticket. He guaranteed that we would win.

After team lecture we had a smudging ceremony in which copious amounts of my own dehydrated sage was burned in a coffee mug. It was glorious and outrageous.

This is how we spent the night before the race... no wonder most of us felt rather rushed and unprepared for the next day.

The hill climb was hard. I was surprised how strong everyone was riding in the peleton. I was caught off guard at the base of the observatory by a quick and powerful acceleration and got dropped. Finished ~15th. Crossed the line with Jesse. He looked super duper strong.

Katiki won the Cat 3 hill climb. Ultra and pro! She was upset at Griz and I for not cheering louder. Whatever GF, maybe if you stopped thinking about making out with Native American spirits you could have noticed us there.

On to the TT... I have never had a wonderful TT experience here. I finished 8th. Somewhat bummed and thinking that I had purchased a bad batch of magic oil. Katiki took 2nd in the TT. She is way fast and aero. At the end of the day she was in 1st place GC!

Day 2 road race was upon us. Storms were on the horizon and there was talk of abandoning the race from my teammates. The thought of cold mixed with moisture in the middle of the mountains sounded horrible to me as well. I was wondering if it would be worth the suffering to defend a 10th place GC. Luckily, the storm abated until after the completion of the race. It turned out epic! My broski Patricio stuck a break away at around mile 40 and slipped into the smoke of a wild grass fire. He won the day! I finished with the lead pack and felt tremendous accomplishment from that. Katiki, won her race. She is pro and ultra. Im really proud of her. She has been pouring her heart and soul into writing this thesis and proved to herself that she doesnt need to train to win races. This now frees up her summer time schedule in which she formerly anticipated training for the Ironman World Championships.

Just like the end of each Fort Davis trip I focused on three things. 1. How much fun I had. 2. How much I look forward to returning. 3. Mark "White Eagle" surly can communicate with my native american kin. I wonder how many white people they have scalped in the spirit world?

Ultra handsomeness 101

2010-04-03T18:00:00.000-07:00

When not riding unpaved and isolated mountain passes in the Basque region of Spain, Tiki has multiple side operations. These "jobs" keep the man busy, well rounded, and one with the common folk that compose this great land of the bald eagle.

This work includes:
+Recycling master of universe
+Soon to be millionaire
+Founder of greatest energetica bars known to mankind
+Dog breeder and trainer
+Exceptionally talented lover to his squaw (Katiki)
+Physiotherapist at the best clinic in all of the former Comanche territory (Austin Manual Therapy Associates)

And most recently:
+Clinical/faculty instructor for the Department of Health and Human Performance at the best ivy league college in Texas (Texas State University)

This semester he has taken over teaching a course titled Handsomeness and Ultra 5308. Formerly taught by professor and brave knight Heath Ledger. Taylor has created a syllabus that emphasizes topics such as tanning, body shaving, body building, general hotness, and muscle cars. Pre-requisites include: Introduction to masculinity 101 and Introduction to the use of body butter 101.

Check this out: http://www.hhp.txstate.edu/Divisions/Athletic-Training/Faculty.html scroll down 1/2 of page until you are blown away. My bossman, also has a handsome mustache and hired me because it was a pre-requisite for teaching the course.

And yes... my christian name is James Collins.

visualization

2010-04-01T06:22:00.000-07:00

Since Katiki has recently spent the past 3 months of "free time" composing her thesis, she has regretfully missed crucial cycling season training blocks designed exclusively by Zeus (the god of thunder). In attempt to keep Katiki on the podium at all costs, Tiki has recently stepped in by studying the art of motivational speaking and the power of hypnosis. The precise volume, intensity, and timing of these visualization exercises have replaced Joe Friel's periodization model, with lore of christian science, patriarchal societies, hegemonic masculinity, and exploitation of women world wide. Here is an blurp from a recent exercise:

"Katiki.. I just received confirmation from vice president Joe Biden that there is a clause in the new health care package that mandates women below the poverty line receive the HPV cervical cancer vaccination across their life span! This makes you very sultry! Feel the burning in your legs... that is the burning of millions of under paid and overly oppressed women. Rick Perry finally got his wish... or at least the first part of it... you see there is more to this. I hate to inform you but the year 2012 is only months away. Mayan deities have predicted the end of human kind! And more shocking, a documentary film called 2012 has been recently released and is floating around the black market as well as Blockbuster and Netflix. This documentary was filmed by christian scientists who were able to travel back in time to warn us of our eventual demise. Upon personal interview with a number of these scientists, I have confirmed that there is an space vessel being built in China by exploited Chinese sex workers (mostly women). Shocking still, there are only enough room for wealthy American men upon this spaceship. Feel the angry blood pump through your arteries! Each pump of your heart represents another sexist remark from a TXBRA racing official, and as your heart beats faster, you begin to hear the voice of Moses teasing you, "I only put male animals on my biblical arch because they are more handsome than females". More twists and turns, the spaceship is composed of genetically modified cloned versions of Meow Pataw! Somehow, millions of Meow Pataws have been raised in test tubes only to be tortured and melted into space luxury. The present... the Apocalypse is in your hands. I just spoke to Hu Jintao, the Paramount leader of the People's Republic of China and he said that only you can stop the madness. In fact, if you win this race, Dr. Jintao has offered to release a secret ancient Chinese formula that will help stop the world wide AIDS epidemic! Only if you win here today can huMANity be saved. Ride strong like buffalo, smart like owl, cute like fox, and fast like GIRL! God speed young warrior."

The Cronometro TT Race Reporto

2010-03-23T19:46:00.000-07:00

2 Saturday's ago members of the elite Wooly Mammoth skin suit research and development team congregated to compete in a highly skilled and hilly 20 K time trial. The fields were stacked with some of the fastest and less handsome riders from around central Texas. It turns out that team sponsor Romancer promoted the event under the name of The Cronometro, and offered $100,000 to any rider who could post faster speeds than your mammoth heros. This set the stage for a classic rivalry similar to the folk legend Rocky Balboa versus the Russian Ivan Drago. In this modern version, all other competitors assumed the role of the Russian, while the Mammoths embraced the American flag waiving Rocky.

Unfortunately I finished with a 26.2 mph average and placed 12th out of 150+ racers, resulting in a $1,100,00 loss by Romancer. Since then, Romancer stock has fallen by 200% and there is talk of bankruptcy- which will never happen due to Romancer's blossoming niche in the beach sports world. I was quoted as remarking, "although these new skin suits are incredibly attractive, Romancer should not have counted on stunning good looks to thwart such talented competition as Stefan Rothe, Dave Wenger, and Alexandre Vinokurov- that was just stupid". (Had there been a Cat3 category offering, Tiki would have placed 1st!! Additionally, he beat the TT times of hundreds of P12 riders, the tandem category and all juniors. He keeps this a secret (and so will you).

On the women's end of the Romancer challenge, both Katiki Forrest and Micky 'oNair dominated in typical fashion. After coming off a 800 mile training week, Katiki finished 4th overall and 2nd in her age division. Micky, doped out of her mind, rehabilitating from a recent bladder infection finished right behind Katiki with a stunning 3rd! This was Micky's debut race aboard her super pro TT bike that has left all men and women who lay eyes on the machine highly aroused. Truly a break through performance that will foreshadow domination in the upcoming spring stage race calender.

Team motivational speaker, Jessica "the hammer" Russell was present and assumed role of key note speaker. She helped all mammoth warriors prepare for the "race against the clock" by fabricating motivational stories in which "time" was always talking shit about TWM's aero skills. This fueled team members to not only execute perfecto performances, but also to smash all clocks and watches within reach.

Beets

2010-03-09T17:13:00.000-08:00

Oh how much we love delicious and nutritious beets! Do you remember the first time you ate "fresh" red beets? (not out of a can, for those are only skeletons of the powerful root vegetable). We love them for thousands of reasons. Here are only a few of our favorites.

A beet orgy is a beautiful sight.

First, it is so funny how most amateur beet connoisseurs think they are dying of internal bleeding when they poop out their first batch of beets. According to emergency room protocol, Doctors and staff are trained to ask patients if they consumed beets when they are admitted with reports of "bloody stool". Golden beets are only a 5/10 on the freakout scale because they uneffect the color of the biological fertilizer we call- turd.

Secondly, we love beets because our Native American kin would dye linens and fur with the water used to boil the root. Like Tiki's grandfather, Chief Tiki Tiki Rainbow Heart, we now dye all fabrics with beet extract. Our bedroom sheets, socks, and shoelaces are red, for we find it to be most arousing.

Brave Chief Tiki Tiki Rainbow Heart was a notorious European slayer. His tepee was coated with white man scalps rather than leather.

Lastly, as depicted in numerous ancient Tibetan statues as well as Egyptian hieroglyphics, a diet rich in beets will increase your red blood cell count. Like the wonderful relationship between honey bees and flowers, diuretics and steroids, lunar cycles and werewolves, God additionally granted us with beets and blood doping. You see, if "wrongfully" tested positive for an abnormally high red blood cell count, simply open your refrigerator, your toilet lid, or your bedroom door and show your accuser that you love beets.

Katiki celebrates her official acceptance to the University of North Texas PhD Sports Psychology.

Jesus Christo- lago vista

2010-03-01T15:54:00.000-08:00

This past week was full of holy miracles! So many miracles that I cant help but feel as if I am living in a constant concussion. Perhaps these phenomenal revelations are occuring because Tiki has payed dearly for his life of sin after an angry god caused him to crash last weekend. Or maybe these daily marvels are a result of the cedar branch that now hangs in the doorway to the couples Clarksville mansion. Regardless, it is a tad early to say, but it appears that perhaps our curse is finally abating. Katiki has fully learned her lesson about unearthing Native American burial grounds in search of Wampum.

A synopsis... Tiki's body healed like the buffalo, Katiki's debut on the Women's Open race circuit was stunning, Jesus Christ, and cakes.

1. First and most importantly, Katiki's race report. Following a stunning display of girl power unseen since the Spice Girls dropped their #1 debut hit "wannabe", Katiki reeled in both a 10th and 6th place finish at this years brutally tough La Primevera- Lago Vista. Katiki, competing in a massively talented field consisting of many professional women proved that size ultimately doesn't matter. Not only was she wearing the most handsome kit in the field, but additionally she was the only superhuman engaging others into conversation. This controversial race tactic has led Katiki to the top of her sport. Typically Katiki wins races by luring her fellow competitors into dialog about the popular HBO series Sex In The City. Most often this discourse is timed perfectly causing a fellow competitor to be talking up a large climb or during a surge in the race. At the point which Katiki notices labored breathing from her "new friend" she will scream "keeeh yaa!" and attack as hard as she can. This often causes the mid sentence rider to get dropped. Unfortunately the P1/2/3 field anticipated this and everyone in the peleton wore ear plugs. Despite her tremendous efforts to distract her competition, it ultimately came down to strength, and Katiki soared like Eagle. Well done!

2. During Tiki's recovery he was injected daily with copious amounts of food. Pastas from his mother, smoothies from his lover, and sweets from his friends. Tiki developed a new addiction to raw pies and has since made his own. It tastes better than it looks. This ugly duckling pie is designed to scare away other predators so that Tiki can be glutenous all by himself.

3. As I quote directly from our previous blog entry describing the moments immediately following my bike wreck I described "A Mexican man who didn't speak English was pouring cool water on my head as I sat. It was weird, but felt amazing." I have been thinking about this man recently. He was first to arrive at the scene and I was really never able to thank him. I was extra bummed because I couldn't remember his face and I worried that I would never be able to recognize him again. To my ultimate delight, this Sunday a man walked by me and we made eye contact. I peered deep into his brown eyes and beyond his soul. Then a cosmic connection occurred. He motioned to my head and should with his wise hands. I motioned to my water bottle and acted like I was pouring it on my head. It was him! Jesus in the flesh. My savior. My father who arnt in heaven. It was so cool! Unfortunately he hadn't learned English in the past week so we still couldn't communicate verbally. Instead we embraced for a good 2 minutes. A ton of touching, hugging, and squeezing was occurring. It was very intimate. Thank you my knight in a shining lampre kit. And thank Nick Lopez Tailoring.

Here we are. New best friends for life.

The horrors

2010-02-22T12:30:00.000-08:00

The official press release:

Tiki was in a nasty bike wreck coming into the final 300 meters of the Pace Bend Road Race this Sunday. Many questions are being thoroughly investigated and here is what we currently know.

1. "was he wearing the Madona del Ghisallo around his neck?" Yes, and the area in which the medallion hung reflected the only tissue not damaged on his body. This indisputably proves GOD exists.

2. "why was he racing in Wooly Mammoth loins rather than his kit?" Just in case Tiki was in a wreck this Sunday he decided to not only shave his legs but go further and tear his kit to shreds so that medics could easily assess the trauma.

3. "rumor is spreading that this incident is a hoax and is nearly an attempt to cover up a darker secret of domestic violence from Katiki" This is so false. Even though the couple has appeared on the television show COPS on numerous occasions, I would like to stress that if Tiki was to cover up Katiki's physical beat downs he surly would have said that he fell down the stairs.

4. "No one has seen Kemot over the past week. There are several reports of Wooly Mammoth gang style initiations and some speculate that Kemots broken tooth, and Tiki's various bite marks from an individual missing a tooth could be related." Even though TWM officially has claimed responsibility for Kemot's bodily injury after his team initiation, Tiki was unscathed at that point because Kemot was tied to a chair.

5. "It looked like shortly before Tiki was taken out he was seen licking his lips pedaling to the final sprint. It certainly looked as if he was going to contest for the win." This is true, Tiki was poised to win after the amazing show of TWM tactics throughout the day. I feel that perhaps as a race favorite he might have been targeted for the take down. Is it a coincidence that the McKinney Velo rider who won was a teammate of the suck rider who crashed Tiki?

6. "It looks like Tiki might have been mauled by a mountain lion going into the final sprint, has this been officially ruled out?" Yes, although Pace Bend at one point was a flourishing puma habitat they have long been eradicated along with the native Comanche Indians.

In retrospect, it was a very scary event. I was blindsided as I was preparing to launch my sprint at a very dangerous moment of the race. I hit the ground so hard and fast that I didnt even know what happened. The first thing I did was move my arms to ensure that both shoulders were ok. I was bleeding everywhere and had hit my head real hard on the road. My helmet broke in 2 places and my new Garmin 301 shattered. I closed my eyes and sat in silence, more upset emotionally that someone I was racing with could be so careless. I was extra bummed because the race sucked overall and it was near the end. I had good position for the sprint and my legs were feeling strong like buffalo as many around me started pedaling backwards. I cant help but feel that I would have contested for that uphill win. A Mexican man who didnt speak english was pouring cool water on my head as I sat. It was weird, but felt amazing. Then the medics arrived, then Katie, then my teammates. I knew Katie would freak because these types of injuries often look worse than they are. Back at the medic tent I was examined and my beautiful kit cut off. The paparazzi was going nuts in hopes of full nudity. Everyone keep thinking my arms were broken because my triceps are huge. My girlfriend and TWM mates were freaked out, but I was able to walk away under my own strength.

During the car ride home I felt as if I had a terrible case of what degenerate high school kids refer to as "blue balls". I was mentally and physically in tune with unleashing a furious uphill sprint, but instead hit the ground at around 28 mph. Only one other time in my life have I felt this... It was during an At All Cost house show and we were fixing to drop the heaviest breakdown in our arsenal when all the sudden a mother came bursting in the room and shut down the show. I swore to my driver Amy and Katie that I would race La Primevera in a week.

When we got home I was hungry and ready for pizza. I wanted to get cleaned up first and decided to take a shower and scrub my wounds with a sponge soaked in betadine. I was recommend to receive stitches in my elbow and knee but declined since I recently cancelled my health insurance. Over the 2 years I paid insanely high premiums and had never utilized my coverage. Luckily Katie was in the shower with me because I suddenly felt like throwing up. I quickly exited the shower and sat on the ground. Next I felt was my inner ears become ice cold. I was quickly loosing my vision and feeling so incredibly tired. I really struggled to stay conscious. Katie was on the phone with a 911 dispatcher and I was talking pure gibberish to her. I kept yawning and closing my eyes. I remember Katie yelling at me to keep my eyes open but it was so hard to do. I farted 4 times. I thought I was surly going to die; so before I fully lost consciousness I kept telling Katie that I loved her. I ended up in the ER at the local hospital and had a CT scan to make sure my brain wasnt broken. All things checked out ok and I am really grateful for that. I am super duper sore today from my head to toes. One of the worst pains is where they injected me with tetanus virus. As long as I stay still I feel ok but when Katie made me sweep the house and mop the floors this morning it really hurt.

Thanks to all my amazingly wonderful family, friends, team mates, and fans who have sent me amazing healing vibes all day. I feel really lucky to have such handsome people in my life. If yall were in the bathroom with Katie and I when I thought I was dying, I would have told each one of you how much I love you also.

UNT Steak Out

2010-02-15T07:21:00.000-08:00

Hidden amongst copious amounts of corn injected feeding lots, North Texas is home to a few surprisingly hidden jewels. Three of these being Texas Women's University, University of North Texas, and Mr. Chopsticks. Katie and I made the trip to Denton this Sunday so that she could attend a graduate school interview for the Counseling Psychology PhD program at UNT.

After dropping her off, I found myself in a make shift reconnaissance mission. My duties as her domestic were not quite finished. This is how the big morning went down.

6:00 am- Katie wakes up and takes 3 huge poops in effort to achieve correct interview body weight and she is nervous.

6:32 am- Shower is complete, time to put her face on and get the hair did.

6:58 am- I never knew Katie could use an ironing board.

7:00 am- Tiki awakened and put to work.

7:10 am- Its 27 degrees outside and tons of snow on ground. I go get cereal bowls and 7 tater tots from continental breakfast. Our hotel seems to be somewhere around a 3 star establishment.

7:20 am- Tater tots in trashcan, we eat buckwheat flakes and BP Bumpers (last minute carb load).

7:40 am- Katie is dressed and looking dang good!

7:45 am- We decide Katiki should wear the flat shoes rather than heels. They look like lady bugs.

7:50-8:15 am- Katiki practices last minute interview questions inside her head. It is quiet and I let her do that thing.

8:25 am- As we drive up to Psychology building Katiki makes awkward eye contact with Dr. Trent Petrie (head of Sports Psychology Cohort), we have to circle the building because Katiki is freaking out. Celebrity sighting!

8:30 am- I drop Katiki off at front steps of psychology building and begin a huge stake out operation in the parking lot.

8:35 am- Recon mission going well, she is still the cutest, but most other applicants I have seen have good style. I am surprised. I hope Katiki remembers to turn on her wireless receiver so that I can hear the interview.

8:40 am- Lots of cakes are entering the building carried by I assume current grad students.

8:43 am- Recon update, no Chinese people on campus? And I'm parked in front of the chemistry building. Suspicious.

8:46 am- A girl just walked into interview wearing a beanie hat. Her hair will certainly be jacked and frizzy!

8:50 am- Underarmor now makes backpacks.

8:52 am- Another girl just walked in with a walmart bag full of food. Perhaps she has special dietary needs.

8:55 am- I think I just saw Sara Ladowski go into interview building. Katiki will be pumped a teammate showed up.

9:00 am- Recon aborted... position compromised!

9:05 am- UNT parking services were tipped off by my hazard lights blinking.

9:10 am- I go to coffee shop, now wait for temperature to warm up and hopefully go on a bike ride. First, I am going to research via interweb and receive more quotes for food bar packaging. I am so anxious to start!

The great Sioux Nation

2010-02-08T09:07:00.000-08:00

The buffalo spirit pumps through my veins; hard and sensual. My pelt is mocha brown and radiates of erotic pheromones which bring the white man to his knees. Horns erect as the sexual organs of desert ocotillo. Hooves blast the open plains perfectly in sync with Zeus throwing lightning bolts. My rumen full of organic bison grass, completing the circle of life as I excrement steamy nutrient dense manure where ever I please.

I am not Apache! I am an assimilated Lakota Sioux.

Hallucinatory tea and out of body experience provided by Mark White Eagle, Shoshone Shaman at the Fort Davis Rock Shop.

Dubai Training Camp

2010-01-09T17:36:00.000-08:00

Every year around this time we return to our beach cottage at the United Arab Emirates state of Dubai. Here our mission is to revisit some often neglected fundamentals of training such as sun bathing, fishing, and night clubs. However, since Katiki is competing in Ironman Hawii 2010 we felt it was proper to step it up a notch. To help guide us through our 3 day camp, Tiki managed to pick up a second hand sweat stained little book known as Bicycling's Fitness Training Manual printed in 1988 (1000X better than the generic lie filled anti-Christ trash known as the Cyclist's Training Bible).

Katiki focused primarily on toning her gluteus maximus while working on improving her fast twitch muscle fiber recruitment. Obvious choice would be Split Jumps.

Tiki's obvious choice for workout and rational for selecting follows:

The amateur in the book demonstrates:

Now Tiki illustrates perfect form as he turns sand into gold medals:

Additional muscle shredding exercise followed and was documented for the sole purpose of intimidating any potential competitors who monitor this blog. Are you sure you want to sign up to race against with these two avatars? Maybe you can blame getting dropped on "being sick", we love hearing that time tested cyclist excuse.

Should have warned you... these images will probably defiantly cause nightmares or at least post traumatic stress syndrome for most competitors. Here is a soothing shot to ease the tension.

Lovers, doing what we do best... loving. I love her!

The wolves

2009-12-30T20:04:00.000-08:00

After diligently reading The Monks of New Skete’s Art of Raising a Puppy, Lakota is well on her way to becoming a world class utility dog. At only a supple 8 weeks of age she shows serious potential of becoming the next White Fang. Utilizing the cruelty of nature, Tiki has become phenomenal at dog scruffing. Instinctively, Lakota has identified Tiki as her wild alpha patriarch and Katie as her big sister. So far Lakota is well on her way to providing Team Wooly Mammoth with stunning neutral feed zone support. She has the ability to run up to 30 mph with 3 bottles of H2O mounted under her mane similar to a Saint Bernard. It is our belief that by Fayetville she will be able to match the TWM speeds of over 40 mph. She has additionally learned how to liberally apply embrocation to her masters.

Lakota Sioux sleeps with her big sister Katiki after a long session of butt sniff

In other important matters it has come to my attention that Katiki is stronger than she has ever been in her life. Similar to a pubescent female filling out her training bra, Katiki’s legs are developing to a STUNNING form that professional body builders rarely successfully reach without the use of super illicit drugs. The sensual pair of quads and calfs have recently been complimented with her use of Craft winter booties and hot pink romance socks. Scientists are hotly debating the leading two theories regarding Katie’s incredible set of pistons. They are as follows…

Dr. Griz’s Theory of Second Hand Muscle Milk Exposure-
This discourse is based on the premise that Tiki has recently been hitting Muscle Milk protein shakes incredibly hard. This would predispose Katiki to possible secondary consumption via the transfer of bodily fluids such as saliva. It is no secret that both Katie and Taylor have been using Muscle Milk in large quantities for its undocumented aphrodisiac effects, so one might conclude that during their 5-6 hour mating rituals Katie could indirectly consume large volumes of quad busting protein.

Dr. Tiki’s Theory of Pheromones and Testosterone Manipulation
Here, I rely on the fact that when a large group of women live together (such as in a sorority house) they often biologically sync their menstrual cycles. Similar co-habitation between Tiki and Katiki could be stimulating increased natural levels of testosterone in Katie. After recent blood work, it has been determined that my testosterone levels are indeed off the charts, so there is validity in the proposal. To better understand this theory, I am currently conducting a sister research study regarding Pheromones and Estrogen Manipulation. Similar to my first proposal, if Katie is indeed boosting levels of male sex hormones via close proximity to her man, then likewise it is not unreasonable to suggest that my own estrogen levels are controversially high. This could explain my recent motherly instinct for little Lakota Sioux, preference for female deodorant and gynecomastia.

Katie pictured shortly before breaking her spokes

Introducing Lakota Sioux Pemican Princess

2009-12-21T07:59:00.000-08:00

Taylor received an early Christmas present yesterday.... a new chocolate princess lover. Hence the name, Lakota, Native (Sioux) for "Love". After one long night of three pee pees and her first "alone time" followed by yelps and hollars, she is finally settling in.

The peoples history...

2009-12-01T11:42:00.000-08:00

December 18, 1916:
The Battle of Verdun ends in World War I

December 18, 1865:
Slavery is abolished in the United States, with the passing of the 13th Amendment

December 18, 2009:
Original members of At All Cost play final Austin TX show ever at Red 7, breakdowns so heavy that hill country is flattened

December 19, 1974:
The Altair 8800, the first personal computer, goes on sale

December 19, 1732:
Benjamin Franklin publishes Poor Richard's Almanack

December 19, 2009:
At All Cost is fucking dead, the day music stopped, speechless...

December 20, 2009:
After final shows, the metal gods of dismembered At All Cost are treated for severe spinal cord injuries resulting from perfectly sync circle banging

Death to distraction. Original members. Circle pits. What is left to inspire. Nazi hunting. Skip to my lou. Katie posi-stomping with a huge "X" on each hand. An epic finale to a life changing youth movement that degreased the Bush/Cheney propaganda machine. So dear to my heart.

Base mile anthem

2009-11-25T14:54:00.001-08:00

This morning Katie and I slept in until 6:30 am, which is a very rare and special treat. Unlike other special mornings, today was extra memorable because while I was still in bed (6:32 am), Katie had already turned on the computer (to presumably check her fan email), however to certain shock, I realized she was actually watching the following provacative video at maximal volume. Was it all a dewy dream? No, for Katie had gone gaga for lady gaga. At first I was very skeptical and nearly closed my eyes to return to the deepest layers of REM (Poker face? Lame). However, I quickly realized this video has it all... super fine euro fashion, electronic breakdowns, girl time, syncopated zombie dance moves, steaming hotness, a polar bear and other exotic animals, dudes night out, and fake blood diamonds. Its all so perfect and reminds me how much I have to be thankful for this thanksgiving eve. I feel this song and video are patriotic and should probably replace the national anthem, because this is all so very American. Bet you cant watch it only once.

Weekend Training Camp

2009-11-10T18:31:00.000-08:00

While most mortals spend the month of November clocking boringly slow base miles, we immortals are peaking year round. Katie and I spent the weekend on a little romantic training camp in Fort Worth, TX. The goal was to focus on all things related to the cherished "race of no excuses" (time trialing). We spent the day sprinting on the track at the Texas Motor Speedway and then flew to Hotel Indigo in San Antonio for the night. Our incredibly high speeds not only enhanced the size of our quads, but also our egos which caused our heads to swell, making it impossible to remove certain parts of our aerodynamic equipment.

Luckily there were professional photographers out on the track to document Taylor claiming victory against the NASCAR Mazda Proteges. Here is Katie reviewing final seconds of the time trial. The photographer had to use a shutter speed of 1/1,000,000 to catch Taylor's speed.

Taylor's body was so tired after his efforts that he called upon the cows of the confined animal feeding operations in Fort Worth to help expedite recovery. The cows volunteered their own corn feed diets and copious amount of antibiotics to replenish both mind and body. Katie insisted on bringing her favorite blanket to the hotel for good luck.

Oh, and here is Taylor watching his favorite movie, Harry Potter and the Flying Saucers. Katie also insisted on bringing her favorite rug to the hotel so her bike felt "at home" in a foreign location.

Although the hotel's Styrofoam cereal bowls often satisfy mortals, the gods see them as mere appetizers soon followed by copious entrees of bacon, sausage, and franks with turkey.

The couple was surprised to have both hot water and mold free showering facilities. This led to less time mingling with fish frogs in the hotel's hot tub and more time draining the Edwards Aquifer. It only took 25 minutes for Taylor to figure out how to make the "hot" water come out. Next, Katie set a record time for shaving her legs. She clocked in at 30 minutes to smooth her right quad (so muscular that it typically dulls even the Gillette Mach 3 razor blade within a couple strokes).

Tiki Cat Food Hits The Market

2009-10-31T15:34:00.000-07:00

Foie Gras is not the only delicacy prepared in Tiki's kitchen anymore! Inspired by Meow Pataw and her dislike of pork awe foul coupled with her dietary need for high doses of buffalo protein, this tasty little treat is guaranteed to help any cat gain 10 lbs of lean muscle mass in just one short week. It is Tiki's strong belief that domesticated cats should be as strong as their african lion ancestors in order to provide a natural alternative to solving Austin's feral deer population. This delightfully smooth snack has multiple uses including, but not limited to baby food, tooth paste, and industrial grade adhesive. Visit our website for more information. http://www.pawschoice.com/product.aspx?category=3021

The Couples Triathlon

2009-07-26T18:23:00.000-07:00

To make a long story short, we decided in typical Velociraptor (presented by Texas Foam) fashion to sign up and win our very first triathlon this month. With the official 2 month count down until Ironman Wisconsin, we felt that it was appropriate to debut our mighty triathlon skills in a training/fan appreciation race in our home town. High lites included hoards of fanatical masses which lined the course waving Velociraptor flags made of foam (Texas Foam) as well as the sea of young screaming children begging for autographs as we stood high atop the podium. Here is how it all went down....

Due to atypical un-pro like behavior, we arrived at the race 3 hours early because Katie was paranoid that we would miss our start. The long day started at 5:00am. After 6 visits to dispose of some #3 in the port-0-lets we started checking out the competition as well as check our equipment. We raced in the mixed couples category meaning that the team had to consist of both a homoerectus male and female. After a 600m swim, 12 miles bike, and 3 mile run each team members total time was added together for an official finishing time.

Aside from having the longest transition times in the top 100 finishers, the swim was our achilles heel. Taylor (the minnow) strategically drafted Katie (the shark) during the swim. Asides from being swam on top of by hairless triathletes in a feeding frenzy, Katie took good lines in the water until the last 200m. At that point Taylor looked up and noticed that the couple was in no mans land! They had to make up time quick and out of frustration Taylor abandoned the drafting technique and was shortly dropped.

Exiting the water and running to the transition area was the hardest thing Taylor has ever done. He was breathing so hard that he nearly barfed up all the lake water he swallowed. Entering the transition area, we knew that we lost major ground in the overall GC. There were numberous people already on the bike course. Lucky for us, we both happen to be TT specialists. Over the 12 mile course we passed at least 1000 people and the only person who passed Katie was her partner, the illustrious Taylor.

Last, we had to run. Once again, horrible transition times. Taylor actually sat down in the transition zone to sip on some tea while Katie forgot to mount her race number and put the left shoe on the right foot and the right shoe on the left. Katie realized at mile 1.5 that her error could have led to disqualification, however she simply sped up to finish the run at a 7:50 pace! Taylor smoked it as well posting an impressive 7:05 pace. This was the ultimate treat and surprise of the day because not only was it the couples first time to ever run after riding a bike, but both were sure that while running they were holding a 10:00 pace.

All in all Taylor finished 22nd and Katie 60th place out of over 1200 triathletes. The combined times earned the couple a 1st place podium spot over the lesser talented and more experienced 300 teams competing in the category.

Colorado whey, worlds most epic ride part II

2009-06-13T14:18:00.000-07:00

Words cannot describe the breath sucking ascents of this climb. Fall River road is THE highest elevated paved Hwy in the united states of america. And as a flag waiving ameriCAN we conquered and occupied this foreign land because it threatened our freedom... the freedom to ride fast. For the entire ascent took nearly 2.5 hours of sludging speeds of 6-10 miles/hour. Here some pictures illustrating our illustrious voyage into the heights of the motherland. At the top awaited an unexpected twist to this tale.

Happy faces at the base of the mountain. Average temperature was 80 degrees. The viscous tar blood that pumped through our huge mammoth hearts struggled secondary to the heat.

Katie became irate early in the climb due to the steep ascents and little available oxygen. "Dont take anymore pictures of me!" shortly followed this snap shot.

Around 10 miles into the climb. Look at the road we carved through the treeline across the other side of the mountain. Notice the beautiful conifer trees that mark the sub-alpine tundra of man.

Grueling faces and handsome mustaches. It was becoming noticeably cooler.

The MOTHER LAND?!? We were unaware that we would be returning to the Arctic Tundra of the mammoth birth. The park needs to emphasize this location in the map of the route. Perhaps if Wooly Mammoths are successfully cloned they could live here. Seems like a nice place with high temperatures around 30 degrees. Finally our mammoth thick gooey mammoth blood started flowing better due to the excellent climate.

As a male, Taylor took the lead... or maybe it was because he decided to do intervals once in the Tundra. It was hypoxic training at its finest.

Katie pictured here performing her best Alexandre Vinokourov impersonation. The Kazakhstan stallion has been both a personal hero to both Taylor and Katie and midway through every bike ride in Colorado we pay homage.

Why does this always happen? Grossly unprepared for dramatic temperature drops of 60 degrees. Makes me so mad!

Alas! We reach the place in which Katie was conceived by her wooly mammoth mother. Do we look cold yet? 12,183 feet above sea level!!!!!!!!!!

Stationed inside the visitor center we decided that we would die of frost bite had we descended the mountain. The temperature was 20 degrees on top and it was windy. Storms were brewing on the horizon and we were chilled to the bone. Katie politely asked a park ranger as well as 2 older park guests if they could drive us down to at least the sub-alpine level however to no avail. All we received was sympathy and an offer to buy us a pair of socks from the gift shop.

Taylor gave an inspirational speech to Katie that will live forever in infamy. It was as glorious as a speech given by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. The true X factor in descending the mountain was the improvised extremity warmers. The couple both used plastic bags to suffocate their feet from the bitter cold air. Taylor also used 2 bags over his hands which made braking on the descent provocative.

Spirits were high back at base camp and the lovers had a 12:00pm flex off. Katie won with the display of her huge pipes.

Colorado whey

2009-06-12T17:37:00.000-07:00

The most epic bicycle riding in America, part I.

When we asked our friendly park ranger where would be a good area inside the Rocky Mountain National Park to ride our bikes she turned the question right back at us, "well how serious of cyclists are you two lovers?" Taylor quickly displayed his sensual flexed shaved legs and serious tan lines and responded "Does this answer your childish question?" The ranger apologetically responded "Are you looking for a highly traditional ride or an ultra romantic route?" Katie, a licensed Junior Park Ranger replied "ultra traditional. "Old Fall River Road would be a good starting point, but I must warn you the road has been shut down for 6 months due to winter snow. Who knows what the conditions of that gravel road will be, if you make it to the top please let me know so that we can start preparing to open the road to summertime vehicles". The seed was planted. We were destined to ride Old Fall River Road and explore paths not crossed by human skinny tires for months, for all the components of an epic ride were present. Potential danger, mystery, and tradition all inspired us to be ambassadors of the unknown frontier.

As we left our campsite Katie quickly took the lead for she was anxious to leave the smooth and predictable surface of paved park road. The mountains that lay ahead of her mark the couples destination, Fall River Pass Ranger Station (elevation 11,796 feet) .

Taylor pictured 3 miles into the ride was sprinting through grooves of Aspen trees. The trees bore no signs of black bear claw marks and therefore were domesticated. Both lovers wanted nothing to do with the scenic material observed by those driving 75' long RVs. The couple longed to venture behind the scenes, VIP access only.

The entry portal to Old Fall River Road. This marks the end of the pavement and the beginning of extreme adventure. Here is some helpful information about the route provided by the National Parks Service. We believe that in order for the ride to be labeled "traditional" it must have history.

The Old Fall River Road was the first road to cross the Rocky Mountains in northern Colorado. Began in 1913, the early construction was carried out by state prison inmates. The sandbagging convicts made little progress and contractors completed the road in 1920. Despite the popularity of the route, the road proved difficult to traverse and maintain. Automobiles had trouble mastering the steep grade and tight curves and avalanches often buried the road forty feet deep.

GRADE: The road climbed on steep grades sometimes reaching 16%. Some early automobiles had to climb in reverse due to their weak engines and gravity-fed fuel system.

Are you aroused yet?

Here the lovers coerced a female elk to break from milking her calf in order snap a shot by one of the rides many waterfall/water hazards. Turns out the water is fresh snow melting and running down the mountain where is will eventually combine with more cold mountain water to produce the Colorado River! Taylor stuck his hand in the water to verify its melting snow origin and concluded that it was approximately 37 degrees.

Quickly abandoning the paradigm of man made laws, Taylor threw his helmet into the river. We were riding in the wild frontier and not exceeding 8 miles per hour as we climbed for ~ 1.5 hours. While sipping on a mocha GU and wearing ultra cool custom sunglasses, Taylor explained that now in the wilderness he would no longer need to amenities of modern day culture, helmets only connect us to the city and the risk of getting hit by a car was non existent. He was now "roughing it".

The first sign of danger. Around 6 miles into the ride a fallen Ponderosa Pine blocked the road. Something fishy was going on and the couple proceeded with caution. Katie utilizing her Junior Ranger training concluded that the tree was placed there by a wild creature to mark its primitive boarder territory. The invasion occurred...

A young and startled Katie pictured here quickly became face to face with a wild beast the likes of none seen in Austin Texas. What could she do to defend herself from the creatures relentless kamikaze style attacks? It was too steep to get onto the bike and go forward for the creature blocked the road and would certainly attack her. Nor could she reverse and ride down hill for the Ponderosa Pine blocked the road. She was left no other option but to stand her ground and duel the creature.

This was no normal beaver that Katie had to soak with Kona Cola flavored Nuun water. It was an assassin trained by the forces of Austin's very own Team AT&T Brain and Spine with the mission to chew off Katie's ankles and build a damn with them. After a 3 minute battle in which Taylor stood behind Katie, the beaver realized that the two lovers were willing to fight to the death and fled into the woods with its huge beaver tail between his little legs.

This photo was taken at the edge of the sub-alpine level of the climb. The already treacherous roads became even worse. Here Katie stealthy practices her cyclo-cross skills and hops over an avalanche caused by two trained Team San Jose black bears in a pathetic attempt to bury the couple in an icy death. The two lovers survived this near certain death in large part to a "false flag" battle strategy adopted by Katie. Because she was keenly wearing her vertical striped San Jose kit for the last time ever, the bears had to radio back to Austin to find out if they were to truly assassinate one of their own. Luckily, this bought the couple enough time to sprint past the falling avalanche and then sip on Strawberry Banana GU once safe.

Once again, Katie dismounts her bike "Pink" in an attempt to pass through really cold snow. Her socks got wet at this particular hazard crossing.

Young Katie smiles to the camera as if posing for a victory podium spot. Unfortunately the couple was forced to abandon the ride due to copious amounts of pure white snow blocking the road. The snow was at least 1000 feet deep and full of corpses of those who tried to pass its mighty boundary. Thanks to Junior Ranger Katie's passion for watching Survival Man she knew that only a real Wooly Mammoth could go any further.

The retreat back down the mountain was more treacherous than the ascent, for both hands had to remain in a death grip with the bicycle breaks in order to avoid falling off the mountain. As a result Katie had an excruciating flare up of carpal tunnel syndrome. With the team doctor waiting at the blockaded base of the mountain, Katie suffered for the entire 1 hour descent.

Back at the campsite the couple prepared for a daily afternoon thunderstorm and ate large amounts of untoasted millet bread smothered with almond butter and honey. Taylor, angered at the anti-climatic false summit cursed Old Fall River Road and swore to defend his honor the following day. The mountain may have won the battle, but the war was far from over...

Shiner Ride 2009

2009-05-03T11:25:00.000-07:00

The Shiner ride podium picture. The dorky clip on aero bar bikes proved too ugly for the Wooly Mammoth/Castle Hill Crew to draft, making it impossible to have arctic rainbow on the podium.

So yesterday, March 2, was a long and tiring day for Big and Mini.

For some reason, the two decided it would be proper to join a 109 mile "fun" ride with the Woolly Mammoth team. They may have decided to join because Paolo from Castle Hill was offering free breakfast from Food For Fitness - and who can resist such an offer?

The ride was "chill" for about 8 miles until the start line, until Patricio (the Woolly Mammoth gatekeeper) mustered up the urge to act 'pro.' Being pro consisted of passing everyone with a Camelpack and traditional non-clip peddles going 29 miles and hour. Taylor took the challenge as a threat to his manhood and held race pace for about 50 miles. Although Katie was holding on, in reality she was hurting bad from her long run the day before.

After about 50 miles (with 60 left to go), Taylor and Katie broke away so they did not have to be around fish frog dork bike riders with clip-on aerobars. Into the headwind they suffered.... Katie drafted until Taylor had to unclip because of an sharp cramp in his quad. Could it be genetics?

The cramping continued and the pace slowed to no faster than 14 miles and hour. Suddenly out of nowhere, a fat woman comes zooming by. They could not believe their eyes. Her legs and arms were made completely of fat and bone, and somehow, she was going faster than the two fittest people in miles. The last 10 miles were brutal. Taylor caught a second breath, similar to Jesus Christ being resurrected. The power of the Tri-berry Gu sent Taylor on his way to victory in Shiner, TX. It is speculated that they were about the first 25 people who made it into town.

In the end, it was a marvelous day full of great team work from 'Team L.' They started together, and they ended together - the way it should be.

creationism

2009-05-01T18:35:00.000-07:00

In order to form a more perfect understanding of the current trials and tribulations with respect to the life that we live, a brief prelude is required. On September 25th 2004, Taylor obliged to accept a formal invitation to join Katie for a diner date. As archived police reports illustrate, Katie had stalked Taylor since they first met in the year 2000. She went as far as following in Taylor's footsteps to receive her undergraduate degree at Texas State University.

After years of deferring physical advances from the young Katie, Taylor realized that she was "the one" and gave her a shot at love. Their first date marked not only the beginning of a beautiful relationship, but also the first time Taylor wore jeans and deodorant (which was in aerosol form). Over the next couple of months the young love birds quickly moved in together. Surly their parents believed that perhaps Katie accidentally bore an unborn superhuman child in her uterus, thus forcing the young stallion Taylor to settle down and live a domesticated life, however the truth was much darker. It turns out that Katie simply wanted to start a new life off campus. She hated her roommate's meek christian boyfriend (Kevin) as well as the frozen food served in the campus trough (Commons). In a defying move, Katie successfully broke free from the bondage imposed on her and was granted off campus living privilege.

Katie and Taylor pictured 2 months into their relationship shortly after voting for George Bush's 2nd presidential bid at Northcross Mall.

The couple settled in a quaint nest known as The Tree House. It was here in which Taylor learned that chicken needed to be cleaned before cooking and that bacteria grows on milk jugs without lids, even in the refrigerator. Katie quickly learned how to hardcore/ angry dance, and could accurately identify which metal songs were angry and which were happy.

The carpet had to be replaced in their first apartment from daily mosh pits and hardcore dance offs

They soon began taking spin classes to get stronger for hardcore dance offs, which lead Katie to purchase a cheap Trek road bike with midget wheels. Taylor was so jealous; his lack of cash forced him to ride around on Katie's old Trek mountain bike (he had to draft to keep up with her speed). The two loved to gather at the Veloway to compete in 45 minute vomit enduing races. To no surprise, the couple never failed to out sprint all contenders on the 3 mile course. Legend stands that the couple were so fast that dozens of old fat recreational cyclists sold their bikes and quit the sport after being out paced. Feeling weak on the mountain bike, Taylor put the largest debt on his credit card to date to purchase a road bike: the infamous Bianchi. On a whim they decided to join the Texas State Triathlon team, but never actually participated in any races, or practiced for that matter.

One day when speeding down "the hill" to get onto campus (on the wrong side of the road= amateur hour), Katie was hit by a car. It was then that insurance fraud was necessary in order to buy the dream "Pink" that was such a perfect fit with Taylor's celeste bike. After convincing Katie to invest her newly acquired life savings into Enron stock shares, the couple lost everything due to a corporate scandal that shocked the globe. At that time Katie and Taylor were forced to steal soy milk from the grocery store in order to maintain their diets consisting of 90% cereals. It was then that Father Forrest had a vision for his seed: a future cycling champion. He invested into his daughter's eternal passion for recreational riding consisting of semi hard 30 milers.

Back in pink and bianchi's glory days when the chain was always lubed and the polar water bottles mold free

It was around this time Taylor had a vision himself (however his was induced by recent and abrupt changes in his diet), he would join the Texas State Men's C collegiate race team and be mediocre. Kate acting as Taylor's "mini" followed. While the first year of competitive cycling was mostly dorky and anti-climatic for Taylor, he had established himself as a time trial specialist by placing 3rd place at the SFA Lumberjack Classic Stage Race. Seasonal highlights for Katie consisted of consecutive victorious self proclaimed "cutest looking" cyclist awards and dropping Taylor on training rides over 25 miles. In retrospect, Katie's accomplishment on "cutest looking" were won as she donned a road cycling helmet with a visor. This is an incredible feat that may never be duplicated.

Taylor pictured shortly before his first bike race ever unintentionally sporting a dorky looking jersey without sleeves. In fact race officials nearly disqualified Taylor citing USCF rules on mandatory jersey sleeves. Luckily the officials realized that it was punishment enough to race looking so uncool, and let Taylor slide.

Many other monumental events happened between 2004-2006 that were unrelated to cycling. First, Taylor completed his undergraduate degree in Exercise Sports Science and after completing numerous resume boosting non-paying internships was accepted into the Texas State Physical Therapy Program. It was around this time that Taylor was introduced to Pierre Kroon, a Manual Physio-therapist from the Netherlands. Using his patented "mind bomb" approach, Kroon challenged Taylor to study hard towards becoming a top tier manual therapist. It was also around this time that Taylor and Katie decided that sleeping in a tent and eating diets of peanut butter, peanut butter nuggets, and bananas was superior to the amenities of modern life. The sultry couple routinely took camping trips throughout Texas. Camping typically consisted of nature hikes in which the couple would "hike" the most difficult trails as fast as they could and take pleasure from "popping" elder and less shapely hikers off the back. The nights were filled mostly with false bear attacks in which Taylor would grab his trusty negotiating knife and wake Katie while whispering "don't move, a bear is at our campsite". Katie took these multiple episodes per night events as Boy Who Cried Wolf fiction and learned to sleep through Taylor's certain death wake up calls. The couple also became increasingly interested in birds of prey, ecology, geography, and international cuisine.

Rare images that the couple collected at Lost Maples State Park show what is believed to be a primitive cave dwelling "human/monkey hybrid species".

No matter what the lovers did to distract themselves from the bicycle, fate would have it that victory was in store for next season. Katie mostly dominated the collegiate cycling scene and would often need to put in extra miles after races in order to feel like she exercised. Katie quickly rose to receive 2nd place in Conference while racing at The University of Texas. Her collegiate highlights consisted of beating Natile Klemko (US Crit National Champion U23) at Tunis Roubaix IX and the conference championship road race in Wichita Falls, TX. Katie had the engine of diesel Ford 350 HD pick-up, however below average bike handling skills caused multiple crashes each season. She was diagnosed with a developmental learning disorder in which her muscles developed more rapidly than her brain, thus causing her to crash frequently. She was successfully treated with advanced electroshock therapy and copious injections of estrogen. Taylor quickly drank from the chalice of victory himself and after finally agreeing to allow Katie to shave his legs, won his very first road race and crit. The couple was now less dorky and somewhat false-climatic.

Notice Katie's left foot... yes that is a medical boot... yes she won with a subluxed cuboid bone which was misdiagnosed as "tendinitis". The girl who placed 3rd claimed that she was unable to step onto the podium because Katie paralyzed her legs during the race

The hotties quickly became disenchanted with the male privileged and hegemonic cycling community. They lived two separate lives that rarely intermixed. Socially Katie and Taylor declined to hang out with other cyclists because of a nasty phenomenon in the racing community in which all cyclists become egocentric self absorbed competitive wieners. This left the collegiate champions isolated and questionable about the cycling community. However, a close and small alliance formed with other like minded individuals and training resumed. The early days of "training" were opportunities to discuss political topics such as feminism, globalization, and ecology. Many of these talks became so controversial that the pack of friends nearly shed each others blood with rage. Agreements to discuss only American Idol gossip on bike rides became necessary to preserve their friendships. The early training partners were the infamous controversial and disagreeable triathlete Ryan, a hardened native of Louisiana and Aaron, a young lover boy who now serves in the United States Navy.

Eventually the couple shredded San Marcos to pieces, and after graduating from PT school Taylor and Katie returned home to Austin. Katie, now a graduate student at the prestigious University of Texas solely refers to her education as "a higher degree of learning" and decided it would be best suited if the humping couple lived in a 200 square foot triplex on West Campus. That marked the lowest point in the couples tumultuous relationship. The couple soon made enemies with their new neighbors. As a matter of fact, in the first 5 minutes of speech with the fat apathetic hippies next door, Taylor was called a pervert because he politely asked the man if he desired to "spank him". This is truth. It is documented and now property of Fox Entertainment as it was broadcasted on the popular television show COPS. After a few selective curse words had been exchanged, Katie decided to get in her car and ram the neighbors piece of shit trash mobile. Simultaneously, Taylor cut deep into the flesh of the property's prized Great Oak Tree with a rusty saw hoping to infect the giant with the Oak Wilt infection that would eventually cause the behemoth to blow over in a wind storm and land on the hideous neighbors, causing death. The couple had to leave West Campus fast.

The first and last day of manual labor. Actual photo taken 5 minutes before the cops were called in response to a domestic disturbance on West Campus.

This marks the location of the sinning couples current house of residence. Thankfully Taylor's mother manages over 98% of the historic property in Clarksville and placed the couple into a quaint home behind a church where members oddly gather every Sunday morning to worship an invisible creator. After trying endlessly to coerce the lovers to joining their rattle snake charming cult religion, the angry pastor cast a plague of fleas in the new home. One of these fleas was injected with an unclassified virus and trained to attack young Katie. Shortly after the use of animal tested pesticides, the couple killed the flea coupe, however Katie became sick. Over 8 months passed where Katie complained of horrific right knee pain. She had experimental surgery, was treated by Taylor's idol (Kroon), and saw every specialist in Austin, TX. Katie's condition baffled the Western Medical Paradigm and eventually frustrated her doctors to the point at which she was labeled "a symptom magnifyer". Katie was unable to ride her bike for months and missed the entire off season training regimen set up by Taylor. Katie was at the point of considering knee amputation and having her femur fused to her tibia until a shot in the dark visit to a Chinese Acupuncturist known as Goji Gong. Dr. Gong in collaboration with purly random needle placement accidentally cured Katie in 2 treatments. If the couple would have considered Taylor's mothers actupunture phrophecy 7 months earlier, perhaps Katie would now be a professional cyclist.

Perhaps the churches sacrificial rattle snake services blessed both the soil and the bedroom at the incredibly fertile Clarskville house. In the garden, Taylor began experimenting with the hybridization of potent Chinese herbs in hopes of designing a novel organic alternative to EPO. Through controversial and unethical trial and error animal testing using Katie's cat (Meow Patow), the frequently sweating couple learned a deep secret. GLUTEN CONTAMINATION was not science fiction! You see, proteins found in wheat products contain a substance known as gluten. In certain people this protein adheres to the gastrointestinal tract thus blocking the absorption of other macro nutrients as well as essential vitamins and minerals. This explained the years of rancid farts that Taylor served as scapegoat. The revolution quickly led to the elimination of gluten from the omnivores diets. The steamy couple were shocked to learn that poop is normally in a solid state as it exits the body. The necessity for toilet paper was eliminated completely. This is now referred to as invisible poop. Ultimately, the lovers muscles grew to unimaginable girth and this directly translated to winning every single off season training ride Taylor rode alone.

Taylor doing power cleans with a 20,000 pound boulder during off season

This marks the time in which the couple miraculously conceived Taylor's new bike. Always a critic of the Trek bike company's inability to create a sexual looking ride, Taylor shocked even himself with the purchase of a 2009 Madone 6.9 loaded with SRAM Red. Even before Taylor had the opportunity to ride it, Lance politely asked to borrow it in order to showcase the victory machine during the annual Ride For The Roses. Taylor politely declined resulting in Lance crying and inviting the couple over to his mansion for for a catered evening dinner. A contract was signed in which the bike would be showcased only under the condition that Lance would drain his pool twice a day as well as keep every faucet in his house running constantly for a month. Both parties withheld their ends of the bargain. Unfortunately for Lance, the muckraking reporters of the Austin American Statesman decided to run a story exposing his disregard for water conservation, permanently tainting his name among Austin's Save Our Springs Alliance.

Now to the present. After a season marked by two distinct periods (pre/post Mammoth), Taylor successfully exploded the legs off of his Cat IV competitors. The season climaxed with stunning 2nd place finishes at the Fort Davis Hammerfest hill climb and road race. This along with the 97th Belterra Classico is regarded as the most prestigious of all races on the yearly Texas race calendar. The romantic Hammerfest experience was also marked by the first time Taylor donned the handsome kit of the arctic rainbow as he formally signed a $400,000 wampum contact to race on the Victorious Wooly Mammoth elite Cat III squad. In retrospect, Taylor attributes all of his cycling success not to hard work or dedication, but to the growth of a most beautiful mustache which strikes fear into the hearts of man. The magical mustache also brought an entire new level of intimacy and physical attraction between Katie and Taylor. Katie now enjoys combing the stash each night to help Taylor relax and induce the most deepest stages of REM sleep.

Taylor pictured here taking a quick break from the hill climb at fort davis to capture a happy moment with his lover, Katie. Taylor then mounted his bike and finished 2nd

A glimpse of the future... after inspiration from the couples best friend (The Syd), we decided to enter Ironman Wisconsin. The Syd is a world class Ironman athlete who is equally, if not perhaps weirder than both Taylor and Katie combined. She is perhaps the most allergic of the group to the Gluten protein and has remained Gluten Edge even with the temptation of Home Slice Pizza. After adopting a Gluten free lifestyle, Sydney not only set a PR at this years Austin Marathon, but also began producing incredible pheromones that have attracted a most worthy male suitor (Velossimo Racing's rising star, Cat IV cyclist Chad). Sydney is currently in a most scandalous love triangle consisting of herself, Chad, and Kerri (her well endowed thoroughbred mini king charles cavalier). Without any triathlon experience the couple was under the wrong impression about the definition of an Ironman event. It was believed that an Ironman was an academic decathlon navigating the various atomic masses in the period table of elements (such as Iron). Taylor was devastated to learn that he payed over $500 dollars to swim 2.4 miles, bike 112, and run 26.2 miles this coming September. Katie however took the news with utmost enthusiasm and has been training much better than her male partner. Katie currently swims, runs, and bikes on her new Cervelo P2C TT bike weekly. Taylor has decided to do triceps dips at their gym while visualizing open water swimming. Needless to say, Katie is currently much faster in the water as well as running. Her legs are currently metamorphosing from 8 months of "tube" form into "pipe" classification. She gets her feelings hurts with the "tube" comments, yet is pleased to hear that she now has Stage II "pipes".

We invite you, our most beloved fans to join us through the best of times and worst of times as we conquer new frontiers never imaginable or understood by our grandparents. We will grant you with an intimate view of our daily lives consisting of shopping, fish frogging, purring, feasting, and winning every single time we ride our bikes. Happy trails....

Taylor & Katie & Meow Pataw & Mocka Friends