Griz and his organic makeup

To the guy that loves to insult me by using words like 'gay' and 'fag,' I am pretty sure you are putting on "sunscreen" in the form of a makeup brush. "But its organic..." That now makes two of us that put makeup on before races.

Fort Davis

On our way out of town we stopped by Target to meet Griz for our caravan. His bagging shift is conviently over at 9:00am.

This years Fort Davis was perhaps the most memorable of all time. However not for personal accomplishments, for my own results were not exactly what I had doped for. My memories were instead shaped by watching handsome teammates thrive in the former Apache Indian Territory. The strength, focus, and perseverance depicted in Fort Davis proved to me that everyone on TWM is basically a grand champion and master lover of the universe.

The weekend started with a surprise motivational speaker (Mark "White Eagle" - Shosone Shaman) visiting the team camp and lecturing his warriors on principles of unity, power, and chem-trails. Turns out that "White Eagle" blessed the team and granted each of us special powers. Some received spirit eagles to rest on the crown of their head, others received tigers for leg strength. Juan Benedicto was granted a personal dragon to accompany him on his multiple trail runs over the weekend. The womens squad made out with a bunch of Indian warrior spirits after "White Eagle" called on his ancestors to kiss their cheeks... 25% lucky... 75% jealous. Griz and I purchased magic oil from our shaman. This tincture smells great and according to "White Eagle" all we need to do is put some over our hearts and buy a lottery ticket. He guaranteed that we would win.

After team lecture we had a smudging ceremony in which copious amounts of my own dehydrated sage was burned in a coffee mug. It was glorious and outrageous.




This is how we spent the night before the race... no wonder most of us felt rather rushed and unprepared for the next day.

The hill climb was hard. I was surprised how strong everyone was riding in the peleton. I was caught off guard at the base of the observatory by a quick and powerful acceleration and got dropped. Finished ~15th. Crossed the line with Jesse. He looked super duper strong.

Katiki won the Cat 3 hill climb. Ultra and pro! She was upset at Griz and I for not cheering louder. Whatever GF, maybe if you stopped thinking about making out with Native American spirits you could have noticed us there.

On to the TT... I have never had a wonderful TT experience here. I finished 8th. Somewhat bummed and thinking that I had purchased a bad batch of magic oil. Katiki took 2nd in the TT. She is way fast and aero. At the end of the day she was in 1st place GC!

Day 2 road race was upon us. Storms were on the horizon and there was talk of abandoning the race from my teammates. The thought of cold mixed with moisture in the middle of the mountains sounded horrible to me as well. I was wondering if it would be worth the suffering to defend a 10th place GC. Luckily, the storm abated until after the completion of the race. It turned out epic! My broski Patricio stuck a break away at around mile 40 and slipped into the smoke of a wild grass fire. He won the day! I finished with the lead pack and felt tremendous accomplishment from that. Katiki, won her race. She is pro and ultra. Im really proud of her. She has been pouring her heart and soul into writing this thesis and proved to herself that she doesnt need to train to win races. This now frees up her summer time schedule in which she formerly anticipated training for the Ironman World Championships.

Just like the end of each Fort Davis trip I focused on three things. 1. How much fun I had. 2. How much I look forward to returning. 3. Mark "White Eagle" surly can communicate with my native american kin. I wonder how many white people they have scalped in the spirit world?

Ultra handsomeness 101

When not riding unpaved and isolated mountain passes in the Basque region of Spain, Tiki has multiple side operations. These "jobs" keep the man busy, well rounded, and one with the common folk that compose this great land of the bald eagle.

This work includes:
+Recycling master of universe
+Soon to be millionaire
+Founder of greatest energetica bars known to mankind
+Dog breeder and trainer
+Exceptionally talented lover to his squaw (Katiki)
+Physiotherapist at the best clinic in all of the former Comanche territory (Austin Manual Therapy Associates)

And most recently:
+Clinical/faculty instructor for the Department of Health and Human Performance at the best ivy league college in Texas (Texas State University)





This semester he has taken over teaching a course titled Handsomeness and Ultra 5308. Formerly taught by professor and brave knight Heath Ledger. Taylor has created a syllabus that emphasizes topics such as tanning, body shaving, body building, general hotness, and muscle cars. Pre-requisites include: Introduction to masculinity 101 and Introduction to the use of body butter 101.





Check this out: http://www.hhp.txstate.edu/Divisions/Athletic-Training/Faculty.html scroll down 1/2 of page until you are blown away. My bossman, also has a handsome mustache and hired me because it was a pre-requisite for teaching the course.

And yes... my christian name is James Collins.

visualization

Since Katiki has recently spent the past 3 months of "free time" composing her thesis, she has regretfully missed crucial cycling season training blocks designed exclusively by Zeus (the god of thunder). In attempt to keep Katiki on the podium at all costs, Tiki has recently stepped in by studying the art of motivational speaking and the power of hypnosis. The precise volume, intensity, and timing of these visualization exercises have replaced Joe Friel's periodization model, with lore of christian science, patriarchal societies, hegemonic masculinity, and exploitation of women world wide. Here is an blurp from a recent exercise:



"Katiki.. I just received confirmation from vice president Joe Biden that there is a clause in the new health care package that mandates women below the poverty line receive the HPV cervical cancer vaccination across their life span! This makes you very sultry! Feel the burning in your legs... that is the burning of millions of under paid and overly oppressed women. Rick Perry finally got his wish... or at least the first part of it... you see there is more to this. I hate to inform you but the year 2012 is only months away. Mayan deities have predicted the end of human kind! And more shocking, a documentary film called 2012 has been recently released and is floating around the black market as well as Blockbuster and Netflix. This documentary was filmed by christian scientists who were able to travel back in time to warn us of our eventual demise. Upon personal interview with a number of these scientists, I have confirmed that there is an space vessel being built in China by exploited Chinese sex workers (mostly women). Shocking still, there are only enough room for wealthy American men upon this spaceship. Feel the angry blood pump through your arteries! Each pump of your heart represents another sexist remark from a TXBRA racing official, and as your heart beats faster, you begin to hear the voice of Moses teasing you, "I only put male animals on my biblical arch because they are more handsome than females". More twists and turns, the spaceship is composed of genetically modified cloned versions of Meow Pataw! Somehow, millions of Meow Pataws have been raised in test tubes only to be tortured and melted into space luxury. The present... the Apocalypse is in your hands. I just spoke to Hu Jintao, the Paramount leader of the People's Republic of China and he said that only you can stop the madness. In fact, if you win this race, Dr. Jintao has offered to release a secret ancient Chinese formula that will help stop the world wide AIDS epidemic! Only if you win here today can huMANity be saved. Ride strong like buffalo, smart like owl, cute like fox, and fast like GIRL! God speed young warrior."

The Cronometro TT Race Reporto

2 Saturday's ago members of the elite Wooly Mammoth skin suit research and development team congregated to compete in a highly skilled and hilly 20 K time trial. The fields were stacked with some of the fastest and less handsome riders from around central Texas. It turns out that team sponsor Romancer promoted the event under the name of The Cronometro, and offered $100,000 to any rider who could post faster speeds than your mammoth heros. This set the stage for a classic rivalry similar to the folk legend Rocky Balboa versus the Russian Ivan Drago. In this modern version, all other competitors assumed the role of the Russian, while the Mammoths embraced the American flag waiving Rocky.

Unfortunately I finished with a 26.2 mph average and placed 12th out of 150+ racers, resulting in a $1,100,00 loss by Romancer. Since then, Romancer stock has fallen by 200% and there is talk of bankruptcy- which will never happen due to Romancer's blossoming niche in the beach sports world. I was quoted as remarking, "although these new skin suits are incredibly attractive, Romancer should not have counted on stunning good looks to thwart such talented competition as Stefan Rothe, Dave Wenger, and Alexandre Vinokurov- that was just stupid". (Had there been a Cat3 category offering, Tiki would have placed 1st!! Additionally, he beat the TT times of hundreds of P12 riders, the tandem category and all juniors. He keeps this a secret (and so will you).

On the women's end of the Romancer challenge, both Katiki Forrest and Micky 'oNair dominated in typical fashion. After coming off a 800 mile training week, Katiki finished 4th overall and 2nd in her age division. Micky, doped out of her mind, rehabilitating from a recent bladder infection finished right behind Katiki with a stunning 3rd! This was Micky's debut race aboard her super pro TT bike that has left all men and women who lay eyes on the machine highly aroused. Truly a break through performance that will foreshadow domination in the upcoming spring stage race calender.

Team motivational speaker, Jessica "the hammer" Russell was present and assumed role of key note speaker. She helped all mammoth warriors prepare for the "race against the clock" by fabricating motivational stories in which "time" was always talking shit about TWM's aero skills. This fueled team members to not only execute perfecto performances, but also to smash all clocks and watches within reach.

Beets

Oh how much we love delicious and nutritious beets! Do you remember the first time you ate "fresh" red beets? (not out of a can, for those are only skeletons of the powerful root vegetable). We love them for thousands of reasons. Here are only a few of our favorites.

A beet orgy is a beautiful sight.

First, it is so funny how most amateur beet connoisseurs think they are dying of internal bleeding when they poop out their first batch of beets. According to emergency room protocol, Doctors and staff are trained to ask patients if they consumed beets when they are admitted with reports of "bloody stool". Golden beets are only a 5/10 on the freakout scale because they uneffect the color of the biological fertilizer we call- turd.

Secondly, we love beets because our Native American kin would dye linens and fur with the water used to boil the root. Like Tiki's grandfather, Chief Tiki Tiki Rainbow Heart, we now dye all fabrics with beet extract. Our bedroom sheets, socks, and shoelaces are red, for we find it to be most arousing.

Brave Chief Tiki Tiki Rainbow Heart was a notorious European slayer. His tepee was coated with white man scalps rather than leather.

Lastly, as depicted in numerous ancient Tibetan statues as well as Egyptian hieroglyphics, a diet rich in beets will increase your red blood cell count. Like the wonderful relationship between honey bees and flowers, diuretics and steroids, lunar cycles and werewolves, God additionally granted us with beets and blood doping. You see, if "wrongfully" tested positive for an abnormally high red blood cell count, simply open your refrigerator, your toilet lid, or your bedroom door and show your accuser that you love beets.

Katiki celebrates her official acceptance to the University of North Texas PhD Sports Psychology.

Jesus Christo- lago vista

This past week was full of holy miracles! So many miracles that I cant help but feel as if I am living in a constant concussion. Perhaps these phenomenal revelations are occuring because Tiki has payed dearly for his life of sin after an angry god caused him to crash last weekend. Or maybe these daily marvels are a result of the cedar branch that now hangs in the doorway to the couples Clarksville mansion. Regardless, it is a tad early to say, but it appears that perhaps our curse is finally abating. Katiki has fully learned her lesson about unearthing Native American burial grounds in search of Wampum.

A synopsis... Tiki's body healed like the buffalo, Katiki's debut on the Women's Open race circuit was stunning, Jesus Christ, and cakes.


1. First and most importantly, Katiki's race report. Following a stunning display of girl power unseen since the Spice Girls dropped their #1 debut hit "wannabe", Katiki reeled in both a 10th and 6th place finish at this years brutally tough La Primevera- Lago Vista. Katiki, competing in a massively talented field consisting of many professional women proved that size ultimately doesn't matter. Not only was she wearing the most handsome kit in the field, but additionally she was the only superhuman engaging others into conversation. This controversial race tactic has led Katiki to the top of her sport. Typically Katiki wins races by luring her fellow competitors into dialog about the popular HBO series Sex In The City. Most often this discourse is timed perfectly causing a fellow competitor to be talking up a large climb or during a surge in the race. At the point which Katiki notices labored breathing from her "new friend" she will scream "keeeh yaa!" and attack as hard as she can. This often causes the mid sentence rider to get dropped. Unfortunately the P1/2/3 field anticipated this and everyone in the peleton wore ear plugs. Despite her tremendous efforts to distract her competition, it ultimately came down to strength, and Katiki soared like Eagle. Well done!

2. During Tiki's recovery he was injected daily with copious amounts of food. Pastas from his mother, smoothies from his lover, and sweets from his friends. Tiki developed a new addiction to raw pies and has since made his own. It tastes better than it looks. This ugly duckling pie is designed to scare away other predators so that Tiki can be glutenous all by himself.




3. As I quote directly from our previous blog entry describing the moments immediately following my bike wreck I described "A Mexican man who didn't speak English was pouring cool water on my head as I sat. It was weird, but felt amazing." I have been thinking about this man recently. He was first to arrive at the scene and I was really never able to thank him. I was extra bummed because I couldn't remember his face and I worried that I would never be able to recognize him again. To my ultimate delight, this Sunday a man walked by me and we made eye contact. I peered deep into his brown eyes and beyond his soul. Then a cosmic connection occurred. He motioned to my head and should with his wise hands. I motioned to my water bottle and acted like I was pouring it on my head. It was him! Jesus in the flesh. My savior. My father who arnt in heaven. It was so cool! Unfortunately he hadn't learned English in the past week so we still couldn't communicate verbally. Instead we embraced for a good 2 minutes. A ton of touching, hugging, and squeezing was occurring. It was very intimate. Thank you my knight in a shining lampre kit. And thank Nick Lopez Tailoring.


Here we are. New best friends for life.